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What is your WHY?

There are five stages of grief: denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I experienced all these, but the last one for me was revenge.

I lost my dad in a train accident when I was born, at least that’s what my mother said after I found out years later that he left us for another woman. I have been moving from one house to another, not sure whether I had a home in a first place. I’ve been building friendships and relationships to find out everyone would leave me at the end. I never had enemies, only people who were jealous of me and despised me. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and every person I’ve met in life was going to disappear in a blink of an eye. I wanted for people to notice me, I wanted a home, I wanted to BELONG. But I also wanted to prove people wrong- I could BE someone. I wanted to be AN ACTOR.

I grew up in a small family in a poor country of Ukraine. If you don’t know where it is- google it or look at the world map, or better- pick up the damn georgraphy book and study hard.

My family wasn’t dirt poor and I never lived in a ghetto. However, my family never had luxury apartments to live in, or a chance to buy organic food or gett lots of gifts for Christmas. I wore clothes that my mom knitted for me, got hand-me down school books from grandma who went to the same school as I did, I spent holidays with my rich cousins, aunt who was a doctor while her husband was a captain (who occasionally sexually harassed me).

In elementary school I never had real friends and was bullied ocasionally, my teacher didn’t care and it kept going until I got transferred to a different class. Middle school was better because I felt more comfortable and social, but few girls liked to make fun of me and guys sexually harassed me. It was a normal thing in my school, but if it happened in the United States- hold my beer, it would be a shitshow.

As years passed by and I moved for the third time before the age of 16 I became obsessed with acting. It started with seeing an actor in a play and falling head over heels for him. Serge was 36 at the time, tall, good-looking, and no, I didn’t have daddy issues. But I did discover that I liked older men, specifically actors.

After watching Serge perform and how beautifully he did so, I started participating in school plays, and even writing screenplays and musicals. And boy, did I have fun doing that! I think my mother was relieved that I found an actual hobby aside from writing and playing PC games.

I believe one of my “why’s” is to find a soulmate in the same industry. I know, it sounds cheesy, but hear me out. My husband would be an actor as well, and he will know exactly what I have to deal with daily. Plus- if I need a reader, he would be in the same building! Another pro- imagine the fun we could have in the bedroom while doing all kinds of roleplay!

In conclusion, my “why I want to be an actor” is easy- I want to belong and prove all the people that doubted me and bullied me that I am better than them. I want a profession that makes me happy, and I strongly believe that I would meet my life partner at my job.

My question for you- what is your WHY?

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